My Poor Blog

I have so neglected this blog but I intend to change that starting tonight. I have two blogs for a reason: I have my school blog to track our homeschool journey. But, I wanted another where I could just "think out loud." I needed a place to reflect and work through things - what God is teaching me mainly. That's this blog. Do you want to know why I haven't posted in so long...because I haven't done much for my soul in recent months - at least not in a systematic or sustained way!

I loved listening to Tommy Nelson, pastor of Denton Bible Church when I was in college. He was a regular speaker at Campus Crusade conferences while I was attending UT. One thing I vividly remember was him talking about time with God. He compared it to taking a bath. You can get by with "spit baths" for awhile but sooner or later you're "just gonna stink" if you don't jump all the way in the water! Our spiritual life is much the same, he compared. We can take spit baths in the Word for awhile...but sooner or later your spiritual life is going to stink, too. Well I am stinking right now!

How did I get here so quickly? Glad you asked! I have been totally and completely engrossed in preparing to start first grade with Thatcher on top of being a wife, mom and keeper of our home. It's like I have added a full-time job on top of an already busy life. This happens anytime I get engrossed in a project, be it painting a room, organizing a closet or working on scrapbooks. I work tirelessly until it is done and I set everything else aside. Now it's time for some balance or I fear I will find myself at the same place I was at the end of last year - burned out and far from God.

Have you ever had a time where you were reconnected with a good friend after not seeing him/her for awhile and your time with them was just so sweet? I had that experience with a good friend from high school and his wife when they came to visit us earlier this summer. They drove away and I stood in my front yard thinking how lucky I was to be blessed with such a great friend all these years!

The same thing happened with my Best Friend earlier this week. I was reacquainted with Him in a most unusual way though...through a children's Bible. I won't go into all the details here because you can read a review I wrote on my school blog that tells all about it.


I can simply summarize and say that after reading just the first chapter of this Bible, I sat completely humbled and in awe of the God I serve and the Son he sent. It is good to be reconnected to who Jesus is, why He came and what He did. I knew that needed to happen, I just didn't think it would come in the package of a Bible for children!!

The Bible is most of all a Story. It's an adventure story about a young Hero
who comes from a far country to win back his lost treasure.
It's a love story about a brave Prince who leaves his palace,
his throne - everything - to rescue the one he loves.
It's like the most wonderful of fairy tales that has come true in real life!

-Chapter One, The Story and the Song

"There is no other stream."

"If you're thirsty, you may drink."

They were the first words she had heard since Scrubb had spoken to her on the edge of the cliff. For a second she stared here and there, wondering who had spoken. Then the voice said again, "If you are thirsty, come and drink," and of course she remembered what Scrubb had said about animals talking in that other world, and realized that it was the lion speaking. Anyway, she had seem its lips move this time, and the voice was not like a man's. It was deeper, wilder, and stronger; a sort of heavy, golden voice. It did not make her any less frightened than she had been before, but it made her frightened in rather a different way.

"Are you not thirsty?" said the Lion.

"I'm dying of thirst," said Jill.

"Then drink," said the Lion.

"May I - could I - would you mind going away while I do?" said Jill.

The Lion answered this only by a look and a very low growl. And as Jill gazed at its motionless bulk, she realized that she might as well have asked the whole mountain to move aside for her convenience.

The delicious rippling noise of the stream was driving her nearly frantic.

"Will you promise not to - do anything to me, if I do come?" said Jill.

"I make no promise," said the Lion.

Jill was so thirsty now that, without noticing it, she had come a step nearer.

"Do you eat girls?" she said.

"I have swallowed up girls and boys, women and men, kings and emperors, cities and realms," said the Lion. It didn't say this as if it were boasting, nor as if it were sorry, nor as if it were angry. It just said it.

"I daren't come and drink," said Jill.

"Then you will die of thirst," said the Lion.

"Oh dear!" said Jill, coming another step nearer. "I suppose I must go and look for another stream then."

"There is no other stream," said the Lion.

It never occurred to Jill to disbelieve the Lion - no one who had seen his stern face could do that - and her mind suddenly made itself up. It was the worst thing she had ever had to do, but she went forward to the stream, knelt down, and began scooping up water in her hand. It was the coldest, most refreshing water she had ever tasted. You didn't need to drink much of it, for it quenched your thirst at once. Before she tasted it she had been intending to make a dash away from the Lion the moment she had finished. Now, she realized that this would be on the whole the most dangerous thing of all.

Jill Pole upon her meeting Aslan

The Silver Chair, Chapter 2
Book 6 in The Chronicles of Narnia

Congratulations, Haddon!

This picture is from two nights ago when our two-and-a-half year old rode his "new" (hand-me-down) bike for the first time. I tried to talk him out of taking his "big bike" in favor of his tricycle, which he has yet to learn to ride. He insisted he wanted Ya-Ya's (His word for his big brother, Thatcher...Don't ask? We aren't sure how Thatcher transformed to Ya-Ya either?!) and lo and behold he climbed on and took off.

What a big boy; we are so proud of you!

Summer Plans

“The Cross is a blazing fire at which the flame of our love is kindled, but
we have to get near enough for its sparks to fall on us.” - John Stott

Have you ever felt that life is happening to you - like you are constantly in a reactive mode and hardly able to be intentional about anything? Change a diaper, prepare a meal, clean a mess, referee an argument, wash a load of laundry...and before you know it, the sun has set on another day. I know it's a "season of life" thing - having two babies so close together and starting the journey of homeschooling all at the same time has put me in this place. So many needs, so little time and only one of me to make it all happen. I am confident mommies across time and continents have felt the same.

I have spent the first three weeks of our summer break getting our house (re)organized and preparing for next school year, and it's been all-consuming. As I think about next year though, I also long to spend time nearer the cross of Christ than ever before. I want to be so close that those sparks John Stott speaks of are continually falling on me - igniting the fire of Christlikeness and burning away all that competes with that.

Hold on, I don't need to wait until next year...I can to start now. I want to come up with a plan (I can't help it; it's the organization freak in me!) so I can be intentional about my spiritual growth just like I have a plan to get my home in order and a plan for our school year. What books do I want to read other than daily Bible readings? What are disciplines I need to incorporate into my life all the more?

Here is how you can help: How do you draw near to the cross? What is the one best book you have read in the past few years? Too many Christian books are man-centered, striving to tell us the secret of being happy and fulfilled. The problem is that we have a Christ-centered gospel, not a man-centered one; I want a few books which reflect that. What are the disciplines you have incorporated into your life that deepen your devotion the most? How do you make time for it all? Share so we may grow together.

Happy Birthday Beckett!

Happy Birthday (three weeks late) to my little Beckett.

You are a blessing to me each and every day,
and your smile brightens my life.
You have brought so much joy in this past year;
I can't wait to see what year two brings!

Between the Laundry and the Lamppost - Part 3

With the popularity of trilogies at the box office this summer (Spiderman 3, The Bourne Ultimatum, and Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End), I decided my first blog would follow suit. Here's the conclusion to Between the Laundry and the Lamppost!

Now that you know about me, let me introduce you to my firstborn son, Thatcher: blue eyes, blond hair, sweet-spirited (to everyone but his younger brother!) and happy almost all the time . . . but we've come a long way. When Thatcher was barely eight months old there was concern he had mild cerebral palsy. He had yet to roll over, had just learned to hold his head up without support and had numerous other developmental delays. We went to specialists, started therapy twice a week and scheduled an MRI. It was an unnerving few months for sure. When the tests came back we were relieved to learn there was no damage to the brain, but the doctors were concerned nonetheless.

It was two years and two miscarriages later that all the pieces of the puzzle fell into place. A geneticist discovered I had a blood clotting disorder and would need to take blood thinners in all subsequent pregnancies. That explained why when Thatcher was born the placenta was one-fourth the size it should have been and the umbilical cord was as tiny as my pinky finger in diameter. After checking for cancer (the usual cause of these events) and finding none, the assumption was made that it was a fluke. But not so. Thatcher was barely hanging on in the womb; he wasn't getting the nutrients he needed to develop fully because of all the blood clots in the placenta. Now we understood.

Today he is our six year old miracle baby. It really is amazing he is even here. He still has many delays, especially in the social/emotional and fine motor arenas as well as some mild sensory processing issues, autistic tendencies and ADHD (our biggest struggle for certain) to top it off. If I had a dime for each time someone said to me, "If you could just bottle that energy up . . . " my wealth would rival Bill Gates!

How does this have anything to do with the funk I've been in, my personality or anything else I've written about so far? Well, let's just say it's been a tough year. Thatcher is not an "in-the-box" kind of kid. That's why we have chosen to homeschool him. There is no place for a kiddo like mine in the public school system. I know; I taught in it for seven years. He is so bright (Doesn't every parent think that about their child?!) yet he can't sit still. I mean it, the child truly can't sit still. When we are doing school it takes everything I have to keep him on task, and that's one-on-one. I've heard homeschooling described as a pressure cooker, and without a doubt that's been true for me. On top of that stress, when we started school this past September I also had a nursing infant and a two year old. Can you hear the steam whistling out of the pot?

In addition, his two year old brother started doing things he still can't do (i.e., brush his teeth and get dressed without constant reminders, clean up his room with very little guidance, come to dinner after only being called once or twice and sit through an entire meal). I had a huge epiphany which went something like this: "Yikes. It's not supposed to be this tough. I have to work twice as hard with Thatcher just to get half the results." And the pity party began.

Remember I am the formula girl, and yet I couldn't find a formula to fix my own son. It never occurred to me I wasn't supposed to fix him. Remember how I love projects? I just decided this would be my newest one - Project: Fix Thatch. You can imagine how that flopped! I just sank lower. It got to the point where in a two week period I called my husband at work twice in tears saying I just couldn't parent this child and was failing as a mommy.

This is where the prayer, fasting and talking with confidants came into play. It may sound crazy but in the midst of all the emotional turmoil I didn't realize my depression and struggles with parenting were related. I just knew everything was a mess - It's that whole hindsight's 20/20 thing. God began speaking to me, showing me the real problem wasn't Thatcher...the real problem was me. He gave me the blessing of this precious child and was using it as an instrument of discipleship to help mold me into the image of his Son. But I was just angry. Why couldn't my life be easy? Why couldn't I have a child who (fill in the blank . . . )?

It all came down to an issue of trust. God asked me, almost audibly, "Do you trust that I love you and have your best interest at heart? Do you really trust?" I almost choked because I knew deep down the answer was no. I am, sadly, so much a control freak it's often hard to trust anyone but myself. Here's what God is teaching me: my job isn't to fix Thatcher, my job is to love him. My job isn't to make him be like every other kid, my job is to raise him in such a way he sees Jesus in his Mommy's life and wants to embrace him as his Savior. My job isn't to have an easy life, my job is to grow in the image of Christ...a Christ who died on a cross.

And I know that wasn't easy in any way.

"If anyone would come after me,
let him deny himself and
take up his cross and follow me."
- Matthew 16:24 (ESV)

Life Between the Laundry and the Lamppost - Part 2

When I was younger I loved listening to classic radio icon Paul Harvey. My favorite part was when he would return after the commercial break and say in his idiosyncratic way, "And now . . . the rest of the story." Well, I'm no Paul Harvey, but here is "The rest of the story."

In my initial post I talked about my funk of recent. There's more to it than what I have written so far; for the sake of brevity, I oversimplified the issues. Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I am a first-born and a textbook one at that: people-pleaser, performance-driven, detail- oriented, process-thinker, box-checker . . . you get the idea. I like to say I am organized and thorough, my husband just says I'm anal-retentive (with great love, of course). I can get the job done and do it well. Two ways I see this manifested in my life...

First, I love formulas. Let me explain. In college I wanted to make A's so I got it down to a formula. Basically, study X number of hours + show up at the professor's office hours enough so that s/he would get to know me a little (I attended the University of Texas and there were 16,ooo freshman in my class.) + write really long papers = A. When I decided to train for my first, and so far only, marathon it was all a formula. Run X number of miles for X number of months + eat tons of protein and healthy food + hydrate like crazy = marathon. I can reduce just about anything to a formula.

Second, I adore projects. I love when they have a well-defined time frame and a nice end product to admire: a painted room, a finished scrapbook, an organized garage, an event that went off perfectly. Oh, I get goosebumps just thinking about it!

Now these two things can be assets. I am seen - and see myself - as a very productive person who does things with excellence BUT here is where it falls apart: It doesn't work so well with people. People are never formulas or projects. God is patiently and gently showing me that although I may excel in the aforementioned areas, I am not so good in the people area. He has also reminded me that only three things last forever: Himself, his Word and the souls of men. I want to value those things He values - and I don't think in Heaven he values clean closets and report cards full of A's nearly as much as loving His people.

Unfortunately, the place this is painfully evident is in my parenting. More on that in my next post.

Life Between the Laundry and the Lamppost

“This is the land of Narnia,” said the Faun, “where we are now;
all that lies between the lamp-post and the great castle of
Cair Paravel on the eastern sea.”

- Chapter 2 where Lucy meets Mr. Tumnus
The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

Here I sit writing my first blog. How I got to this place is what I want to write about. You see, I live between the laundry and the lamppost. For me laundry represents all that is mundane in life - those things I have to do. They are not necessarily bad things, just not my favorite things. The lamppost represents all I desire for life including what I aspire to do and become - basically the things I want to do.

If you are familiar with The Chronicles of Narnia, the lamppost was the starting point into the wonderful world that was Narnia for the Pevensie children: Peter, Susan, Edmund and Lucy. In Narnia they were in close contact with Aslan (the Christ-figure), they were kings and queens ruling a loving populace, they were fulfilling a destiny prophesied about and eagerly awaited by all Narnians. It was paradise, or almost anyway.

Let me back up even further. I have been in a funk for a few months now - somewhat of a mini-depression. If you know me, that is not like me. I am a "glass is half-full", happy kind of girl, and it's taken me awhile to put my finger on just what the problem was. After lots of prayer, soul-searching, fasting and long talks with trusted confidants, God revealed to me what was going on in the deepest parts of my heart. I live between the laundry and the lamppost and in recent months - years even - it's been ALOT more laundry than lamppost. That's been my struggle.

Blogging is just one way I hope to add a little more of the lamppost to my life: more reflection, intentionality and introspection. Those are some of the things that have gotten lost in my life amid constant diaper changes (two in diapers will do that!), seemingly endless meal preparations (21 meals a week for five people equals a total of 105 plates of food per week), nursing babies and sibling rivalry -i.e., the laundry of life.

If I am to be the help-mate to my husband God calls me to be, I need to spend more time under the glow of the lamppost. If I am to be a disciple-maker of my children, I need to spend more time under the glow of the lamppost. If I am to educate them, leading them to truth and wisdom I definitely need to spend more time under the glow of the lamppost. And if I am to grow into the image of my Savior, I will spend more time under the glow of the lamppost.

If you can relate, join me for the journey.